im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
