just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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