Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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