The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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