Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
