Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Sorry about my life...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The adults are the big ones right?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
