the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
