The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
