Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
