I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
