You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
