i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
