and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
