I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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