You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
