ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
