best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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