this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
