my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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