i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
