Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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