I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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