... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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