When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
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I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
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They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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