i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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