Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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