I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
