that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
