i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
