People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
