Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
