Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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