She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
