let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
