As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
