I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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