I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
