this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
