I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
