he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
