Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The air was thick with penises
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
