Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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