Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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