i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
