Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
