im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
