The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
