it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
