just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Randomize
