I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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