All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
