Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
