I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
