She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
