Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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