i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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